As a counsellor working closely with young people, I’ve come to notice a recurring theme that deeply concerns me — how the way we speak to children and the systems we enforce around them can unintentionally cause harm.

Whether it’s a well-meaning teacher trying to manage classroom behaviour, or a parent urging their child to complete homework, the language used — and the consequences imposed — can have long-lasting emotional effects.

Take school detentions, for example. A child might forget or struggle to complete homework, and the consequence is often to stay behind for an hour. From an adult’s perspective, this may seem like a simple, logical outcome. But from a child’s perspective, especially one who is already struggling with focus or confidence, this can feel like punishment layered on top of failure. It reinforces the belief: “I’m not good enough.”

Children tell me:

• “I just can’t focus, and then the teacher says I’m lazy.”
• “Everyone else gets it, I don’t. I must be stupid.”
• “Why should I even go to school if I just get told off every day?”

When children hear these messages repeatedly — whether spoken aloud or implied through tone and consequence — they start to internalise them. And that’s where anxiety grows. That’s where shame creeps in. That’s where school becomes a place of dread, not learning.

The Power of Language

Words matter. The difference between “You’re not trying hard enough” and “I can see you’re struggling — how can we make this easier for you?” can completely shift a child’s experience. One shames; the other supports.

And support is what children need. Not just for academic success, but for emotional well-being, self-esteem, and lifelong learning.

We Must Ask Ourselves:

• Are our expectations realistic, especially for children with learning or emotional needs?
• Are we noticing why a child isn’t doing their homework — or just reacting to the fact that they didn’t?
• Are our consequences helping the child learn, or just making them feel worse?

A Call to Schools and Parents

As adults, we have the power to shape how children see themselves. With awareness, compassion, and a willingness to reflect on our approach, we can build environments that help children thrive — not shrink.

Instead of asking, “How do we make them behave?” perhaps we need to ask, “What’s going on beneath the behaviour?”

Because behind every “unmotivated” child, there is usually a story. And behind every story, there is an opportunity to connect, to understand, and to change the narrative.